Being so open on the internet comes with a shit ton of commentary about my life, opinions, the way I look, and the choices I make. Sometimes those come as compliments and unwavering support and sometimes they come from assholes who know nothing about you but feel like it’s their right to tell you their thoughts. And almost every blogger will tell you to ignore the trolls, block the haters, don’t address them. But sitting back and letting someone be an asshole has never been my thing. I debated if I should even post this. If giving this open, honest, and mostly raw look into my heart was the right thing to do. Should I just be sticking to beauty posts? Is touching on my journey too much? Is anyone even listening? As I navigated through some Facebook groups I saw that I wasn’t the only one having this issue or being told what I was told. And I knew that if I didn’t post it, it would eat at me forever. So this post is the first of many that will give you a deeper look into my life and who am I and the struggles that I’m dealing with in this season of life. So this is a letter.
A letter to the girl who told me I couldn’t be “body positive” if I was intentionally losing weight.
In January of 2018, I decided that I wanted to lose weight. I had a ton of reasons. Reasons I shouldn’t have to explain to you but here we are. My families medical history, my own medical issues, low self esteem, pain in my knees when I walked, finding myself out of breath after half a flight of stairs, not being able to do things I wanted so badly to do, fear of dropping dead, what was probably a binge eating disorder, using food as an anxiety medication, and so many more. I wasn’t happy. So I made a decision.
That decision has been something that even on days when I struggle, has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Not for society and what they think I should look like but for my mental health, my quality of life and what it’s taught me overall. I knew going in that a significant weight loss wouldn’t automatically make me a happier person but it was a start. And it’s my body, right? So that should be the end of the story. But it wasn’t the end of our story. You somehow felt it necessary to judge me for that decision. Why? Maybe you were projecting your own insecurities and frustrations onto me or maybe you are just an asshole. We’ll probably never know.
I’ve always LOVED the body positivity movement. Teaching women that’s it ok to love their bodies at any size. Not allowing society to dictate our emotions around size and weight. Not judging anyone at any size. All of these things are amazing. But I’ve never understood the little subsection that seems to have risen within the movement. The one where if you make a decision to intentionally lose weight you’re now somehow less than. You’re contributing to diet culture. You don’t love yourself. It’s not the entire movement but it’s in there. And it’s shitty. It’s also the most hypocritical thing I’ve ever witnessed. How can you preach acceptance and love while simultaneously judging me for making a decision about my body and my life and my health that has never and will never affect you? A decision that has led me to love my self and accept myself more than ever. It makes no sense. As long as what I’m doing isn’t harming myself or anyone else. Why do you care? I’m not chugging random detox teas, sucking on appetite suppressant lollipops, or throwing on a waist trainer. Hell, I’m not even dieting. I’m making lifestyle changes. Those changes are resulting in weight loss because that’s what I want. It’s what I need. I don’t need it so that society will look at me better. Seriously, society can f*&^ off. I need it because of all of those previously mentioned reasons. I didn’t start this journey out of fear of what society though I started it out of love for myself and wanting to feel better in my skin. And that’s ok. You don’t have to like it but you don’t get to judge me for it. I’m making better choices and treating my body the way I (not society) believes it deserves to be treated. And some days it deserves french fries. Your girl eats if she’s hungry and is working on her relationship with food. That should be celebrated. Not shamed. Even if it’s not your choice.
My losing weight does not make me any less supportive of someone who is happy in their skin at whatever their size. The point here is I wasn’t happy. Or healthy. I was drinking 4 liters of soda a day, do you understand what that was doing to my body? To my lifespan? Not a damn thing that was good. It’s completely possible to be both body positive and on a weight loss journey and I’m sick and tired of being told otherwise. Shaming my desire to be happier, healthier, stronger, and ultimately lighter isn’t ok.
I’m curious what you think I should have done? Continue to be unhappy? Continue to allow a binge eating disorder to rule my life? Continue using food as an anxiety medication instead of as a fuel for my body? How does any of that help me to be a better human? I’ll tell you… it doesn’t.
Being supportive of body positivity and losing weight are not mutually exclusive. You can do both. As women, we should support each other and lift each other up for all of our decisions. But it’s like we just can’t win. My body wasn’t healthy and I wasn’t happy. I decided to change that. That decision isn’t a judgment of anyone else. It’s personal. I’m trying not to drop dead and be able to just walk without wanting to cry.
You’re the same woman who shouts self-love, right? So why is that when I’m practicing self-love by exploring my emotions, getting stronger, moving my body in a way that feels amazing, challenging myself to break free of my comfort zones and try new things would you try to tear me down? How sad.
The ironic part is that six months ago I didn’t love my body and while this weight loss journey may have started with a want for smaller jeans as part of it, it’s become so much more. You know what else wouldn’t have happened? These photos. I would have sooner died before posting pictures of my body on the internet. I’m nowhere near the goals I’ve set for myself but right now, at this moment, I’m happier then I have ever been and my relationship with my body is so much kinder. Curves and all. I can’t tell you that it would have been the same had I not decided to lose weight. Taking a 15-minute walk that resulted in two days of pain in my knees made me hate myself. And now? Now I’m walking 60 minutes some days and the pain is slowly going away. It’s 100% made me more “body positive”. I can simultaneously love the body I’m in while still wanting to make changes. Shocking, I know, but I’m a multitasker.
So I’m done answering to people like you. My body. My business. I’m not going to apologize for losing weight. I’m going to celebrate every loss. I’m going celebrate the things my body can do. I’m gonna do whatever the fuck I want with my body and you can do whatever you want with yours. Ok? Ok. Bye girl.